I find that it is really easy and safe to post things on just the kids, and to shove to the back the ickiness of life. Walled, secure, it's so easy to not let others in to see how frazzled I can be on most days, but there are those times that the stress just bubbles just everso slightly spilling over the top of a cup, usually in the form of me in the bathroom hugging my knees while tears drip down my cheeks. Keeping my outward appearance pulled together is something that feels like a standard that those on the outside looking hold me to. Never did I think it possible to have an empty glass, yet have substance spilling over the edge.
When I say, "I cannot get sick." It is just that, my family, my kids cannot afford for me to get sick. People think it's cute when on my Facebook profile I have down "financial planner, maid, cook, chauffeur." If I am out of commission, then bills don't get paid, the house goes to pot, and my kids are left licking leftover crumbs and Cheerios off of the floor. You might be wondering what about your spouse, can't he pick up the slack. I can wholeheartedly tell you, when he can, The Doc does, that is if and only if he is not working. The month of May seemed to be filled with one thing after another, with those things happening when The Doc was working long hours. I was sick 2 of those weeks- a spring cold, female troubles that plague me, and it carried over into June when I came down with a gum abscess. We had a broken arm, medication overdose, and sick kids. Add to the responsibilities of sole household manager, mother, wife- I also teach Primary, a class of 4-5 year olds on Sundays. I was essentially gone for the entire month of May, not by choice. Getting a sub takes something of a miracle in our ward, and asking the parents of the children in my class can't happen as they are unavailable during the two hour block. You would think finding a sub for 2 children would be easy, but it's not. There was one Saturday Emma was feverish, and I freaked out as to what we were going to do the next day. The Doc teaches 12-13 year olds. We discussed at length hiring a sitter to come and tend Emma so we could both teach our classes, or having Emma sit in the corner of The Doc's class, and then he would take her home. Neither was a good option.
My parents, whom I hadn't seen in a year, visited the end of May. I had my lesson prepared, and at the last minute, I made the stupid decision to ask if I could combine the 2 children in my class with another class, so I could be with my parents. I told 2 members of the Primary Presidency that I would be in Sunday School, and to come and get me if they needed me. I even got the ok, that it was fine. I told the other teacher, and that individual said ok. Not telling all members of the Primary Presidency was a huge mistake. My Sunday hit a dropping point when I get home and listen to a stressed out phone message "Where are you?! You need to be teaching your class." I called the Primary President immediately, she wasn't available but left the message with her spouse and apologized profusely. I didn't hear anything back that day.
When you pile too much stuff, like a house of cards, eventually the house comes crumbling down. My body gave way. My gums have issues. Some people struggle with cavities, I struggle with periodontal disease. My parents had been in town one full day, when I came down with the worst gum abscess in the 32 years of my life. In a matter of hours, I went from having minor pain in my gum to my sacrolytic joints (back and hips) in excruciating pain, right side of my face swelled up and running a temperature of 101 F. My regular dentist lives 9 hours away, not ideal for a dental emergency, so I turned to the help of a dentist in our area. Without going into the gorey details- I had to go on antibiotics, rest, a pain the butt oral cleaning regmine, and had to see a periodontist (a gum specialist). The end result- this girl is having oral surgery to fill in where I have had bone loss due to recurring gum infections. When? I had to find the best block of 2 days where The Doc would be available-- July 13th, the day after we get back from vacation. Even then it's not ideal, I will be hiring my sitter to come and help me in the evening following my 90 minute procedure, because, you guessed it, The Doc is working an overnight shift (230 pm to 7 am).
This is the point where my cup was empty and filled with nothing but stress that was bubbling but not going over. Then a phone call came..................from a member of the Primary Presidency. Those who know me really well, know I do not do the telephone, I have a borderline phobia of talking on it. Granted I am getting better, and will talk to people I know, as far as people I don't know, it's a work in progress. Anyway, just based on caller id, I knew what it was about. I dreaded this talk. So remember the stress is right at the edge of that cup. This phone call sent it right spilling and splashing over the edge. I was come down on really harshly. I have been since apologized to by the individual who was asked to speak to me. I had tears streaming down my face as I was reamed about not being at church teaching my class, about not having a substitute during my abscences, and questioned whether or not I was "dropping" my class, or calling, and to whether or not I could handle my calling. If I didn't have an understanding of what it's like to be in a Primary Presidency and the stress of making sure the Primary runs smoothly & teachers are there, I would have been really offended. I am horrible about standing up and don't know how to "stand up" for myself very well. I tried my best to paint the picture of my life during the month of May, apologized over and over again, explained what happened the Sunday my parents' visit, and apologized some more. I hung up the phone, sat down in the corner of my locked bathroom, hugged my knees tightly, and the tears poured down my cheeks. I hate letting people down, being a disappointment, and that is just what I had done. I cried tears because sometimes I can't keep everything under wrap in a shiny package with the perfect bow. I cried tears because I had been a let down. I also cried because I just wanted a little understanding that I have a husband who works 70 hours a week, sometimes more, 4 kids in a 5 year age span, and that my priorities are not 1. my church responsibilities 2. God, 3. family/children, etc.; but instead 1. God, 2. My marriage, 3. my family/children, 4. me, 5. my church responsibilities.
We are leaving on a vacation in a couple of weeks, and I am actually thinking of cutting it a day short, just so I don't have to find a substitute for both Sundays that I will be gone, but just for one Sunday. I am praying that I find someone willing and able to help me out, and for just a pinch of understanding.
Yes, she is in a diaper, shirt, and pink princess snow boots in late spring-early summer. Hey at least she coordinates. That's gotta count for something.
